Won't you let these guys in?
Admit it, we all have inner demons. Some are pretty easy to deal with, others are just vice related. While some come and go as they please, having a little tea-time and chatting it up with you, others are a bit more difficult to get out the door (or keep out!). As a matter of fact, some stay with you for life; you know, the kind that kick down your door, shotgun in hand, sit in your favourite chair, change the channel you were watching, and then yell at you to “Make me a sandwich, bitch!”. It is to these inner demons that I write this open letter (you know damn well who you are) …
Dear (Inner) Demons,
Throughout the course of this short note, I only want two questions answered…
Question #1. Why is it so hard to say “I Love You!”?
From the moment I could comprehend, ’til now, I don’t remember hearing those words from you. Ever. Do you really despise who I am? What I have not become? Did you really want me to become a medical doctor so bad, and do you still want me to make you proud through local newspapers? Don’t answer any of these questions, I don’t ever want to know; I only need an answer to the first…
I have done everything possible to become your hero, but no matter what I do, it’s never enough. I begin to think that it’s a problem with you, not me. That your own mother and father despised YOU so much for becoming something other than what they wanted for you. For being yourself. Hmmm… It’s seems like you have begun the cycle yet again, the cycle of hatred, self-loathing, self-deprecating. You were abused, so you abuse in your own way, and you don’t see that it doesn’t help, not you, not me, not anyone… Do you really get a good nights’ sleep?
On a positive note, I will say that I am not completely scarred for life. I remember what it is like to be loved, and I have people in my life that tell me “I Love you”. And I FEEL loved. So you see, I really don’t need you to say it anymore. But I think you need to hear it for yourself, for everything that you have been through, even before I came into your life. So here goes… I Love You!, despite of yourself, and by virtue of who you are to me… I love you, but I don’t have to, or want to be around you…
Question #2: After all this time, why can’t you be proud of me, despite of who I am?
Ok, so this might be an extension of my first question to you, but, it is an entirely different matter to me. I consider myself to have come very far, despite all the hurdles in my way, including you. I have been triumphant time and time again, and yet it never makes you happy. Graduated from high school with honours, and you tell me that I should become an M.D. I receive my Associates, and still no smile, no nod of approval from you. I continue on to receive my B.S. from one of the best schools on the island, and I get not even a “Good job!” from you. And what about my M.S. degree? Nothing… Ok, well, maybe after I receive my Ph. D., finally you’ll be proud of me…
You know what? Never mind. It’s not worth living my life to please you, because in doing so, I waste time instead of enjoying the real wonders of this life. I have long stopped trying to please you, and started pleasing myself; after all, you can’t please everyone, so please yourself first! Like in question #1 above, I have people in my life who are proud of me, and who accept ME for ME, and not for what they want me to be.
Maybe your parents never told you how proud they are of you, so I’ll tell you… I’m proud of you for what you have done, for surviving life and coming through on the other side alive.
And finally, I’m proud of you, for making me independent…
Sincerely,
T.
